How Can You Express Love?

02/25/2011

There are thousands of ways you can express yourself, thousands of things you can do that could come across to someone as loving. However, it’s where these actions come from that’s of utmost importance if you want to be genuine.

You might think that you’re expressing love by not arguing back when your partner says something you strongly disagree with, but if you’re only doing it so you can have credit for controlling your tongue, or if you’re just hoping the payoff for verbally agreeing will be sex, what good is that in the long run? Very little!

If you want to express love from a place of authenticity, start with these tips:

Make the effort to get to know your partner. You’d be surprised how much two people can not know about each other, even after years of being together. This is especially true when you consider that what people like changes from moment to moment. What does your partner enjoy, what do they not enjoy? What are their pet peeves? What do they think about various topics? Knowing these things may not change your actions per se, but investing your interest in your partner will greatly increase the health of the relationship.

Listen to what your partner is telling you. Of course there’s the literal aspect to this – the things they actually say – but there are the more subtle clues and hints that you can learn to pick up on. If they keep saying the same sorts of things over and over, learn to read between the lines. “Wow, isn’t it great to have a moment of quiet” could be a sign that it’s time to start scheduling in times when you both agree to turn off phones, computers, and the TV.

Include your partner’s happiness in your assessment of your own happiness. Make a habit of inquiring whether things are going well for them; learn what they’re struggling with, what would make their lives better, what they’re happy with right now, what they’re lacking, as so forth. Incorporate these things into your daily self-inquiry practice.

Act in whatever way you can to make your partner’s day better. Even little things can make a big impact, so don’t underestimate your ability to transform your partner’s daily life. For example, I love sleeping in and my husband knows that, so in order to let me have five extra minutes of sleep, he makes my tea just the way I like it every morning, even when we’re traveling. I happen to know that he craves time alone, so whenever something needs to be done and I can handle it on my own, I send him off for half an hour to go meditate, and I sort things out myself. It’s the little things.

Consider the new things that will pop up that you don’t know about each other yet. Find ways to discover these things. My husband and I love taking spontaneous drives in various directions – we never end up in the same place twice, and it’s always an adventure. When we get home, we talk about the experience and how we each perceived it. We’re constantly learning new things about each other in this way.

And these are just a few suggestions you can start with; add your own ideas and start seeing how much joy it brings you to bring joy to your partner! It’s this authenticity of expression that makes all the difference.

If you actually care, then act like it!
Great relationships begin within!

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Design Your Life

Five Ways To Start Having More Fun

02/23/2011

Lately I feel like the only time I genuinely have fun is when I’m playing with Colette. Not only am I challenged at living in the moment but I don’t know how to have fun at home. I’m sure others do it, too.. I get into this state where if I’m doing something “fun” and not working I feel I need to be working.

I can’t just relax and let go.
I always feel there are things to be done.. as there are.
What an anxious twit I must sound like!

So now I’m on a mission to have more fun at all times.

1. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Let go of all of your hangups, You’re not too cool to have fun, you can always find fun to be had.

2. Take up new activities that you’re interested in. Always wanted to learn to knit? To sew? To surf? There’s no time like the present to master any skill you’re intrigued by.

3. Writing time. Grab your journal or a piece of paper and list at least 30 things you like, or would like, to do. If you feel like it, add 30 more. Check this list when you’re feeling bored, uninspired or just stuck!

4. Laugh more. Allow yourself to laugh more at everything, it will make you feel better instantly.

5. Take time out for fun. Schedule time out from work and the daily grind to do something you’d like to do. Give everyone a rain check and take it all in. This is your time, have fun doing what you want. You deserve it!

The Eight Principles of Fun (this is cute)

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Design Your Life

Ultimate To-Do List for Living a Positive Life

02/21/2011

“Yeah, It’s been a ride…
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there…”

Eminem
Not Afraid

Next month it will be Positively Present’s two-year anniversary and thinking about that has made me pause and reflect on how things used to be and how they are now. Before I started the site, I was in a particularly low place in my life. I didn’t think I would ever come out of it, and most of the time I didn’t even care. But, for whatever reason, two years ago something inside me demanded a change and I started working on living a more positive and present life. I knew I needed to be living my life differently and, in order to do that, I knew a lot of things about the life I was living would have to change.

It has not been easy — at ALL. Since I started this site, I’ve made a lot — and I do mean a lot — of changes in my life in an attempt to make every day more positive and to live more in the present. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be living the life I currently am, I never would have believed her. So much has changed but, oddly enough, all of these changes have brought to a place where I am more of who I am. It has taken me awhile to get out of the place where I was so unhappy, but I’ve made a lot of strides in the right direction and every day I’m making process.

If, as Eminem’s quote implies, you find yourself in a place where you’re not living a positive life, where you’re unhappy and wanting to get out of where you are and into another place, take a look at the To Do list I’ve created below for living a positive life. These are the things that I’ve done to get to me to where I am now. Some days I’m still struggling, still seeking something, but when I reflect on how far I’ve come, I can’t help but give credit to all of the changes that have made my life so much better. If you add these items to your daily To Do list, I can guarantee that you’ll find your way out of a negative place and into a positive one.

Top 10 To-Do’s for a Positive Life

1. Stop doing the things that make you unhappy. This is number one on the list for a reason. Too often we spend time and energy doing things that make us unhappy and too often we don’t make the connection between what causes our unhappiness. Look at your life carefully. Are you doing anything that makes you unhappy? When you find yourself at your lowest points, is there anything you can pinpoint that has caused the low point to occur? Often there are patterns that we just don’t admit to. Take an extra close look at any alcohol or drug use because these are too often the cause of serious unhappiness and negativity.

2. Surround yourself with people who bring you up — not down. Just like you must look at the actions your taking and choose not to do things that cause you unhappiness, you must also choose not to be around people that cause you to be unhappy. Sadly, too many people surround themselves with individuals that don’t bring them up. If you find that people in your life are bringing you down — yes, even family members or significant others — you have to find a way to separate yourself from them. If you want to live a truly positive life, you must be surrounded by positive influences.

3. Invest some serious time in self-love and soul searching. If you want to live a positive life, you must know what it is that you stand for and what matters to you. The only way to go about learning to love yourself is to invest time in it. It might sound silly to some, but finding true love for yourself and really knowing whom you are is essential for living your most positive life. Before you can love anyone or anything else fully, you must first love yourself. Don’t ever think about self-love or soul searching as a waste of time because, honestly, it is such a valuable asset to living life positively.

4. Spend your time doing the things you love to do. Once you’ve rid your life of doing things that make you unhappy, you’ll suddenly have a lot more free time on your hands. What to do with that all that free time? Spend it doing things you absolutely love to do. Take a moment to think about the times you are the happiness. What are you doing during those times? It doesn’t matter if it’s a silly thing or something that other people don’t quite get. What matters is this: if something makes you genuinely happy, you should spend time doing it.

5. Revise the way you look at the world around you. When going from a negative outlook to a positive one, I really had to spend time thinking about the way I was looking at things. The way you see the world around you is a choice. You can choose to look for the good or you can choose not to. It’s completely and entirely up to you. Once I realized this, I understood that it didn’t make much sense to focus on the bad things in life. Sure, I had to acknowledge them, but I certainly didn’t need to dwell on them. Change your point of view and your whole life will change too.

6. Be open-minded to new (or old!) ideas of living a positive life. I used to be the kind of girl who would scoff at an article like this, thinking these kinds of ideas were pretty much bullshit. However, the more I started opening my mind to new ideas, the more I started realizing that there are a lot of awesome people out there in the world living positive lives and, really, why shouldn’t I listen to them? If someone has been successful with an idea for living a positive life, it’s at least worth considering. Every idea might not work for you, but having an open mind really helps lead to a positive life.

7. Stop beating yourself up about the past. For too long, I spent way too much time thinking about, revisiting, and quite literally going backward into the past. It was pointless and painful, but for years I did it and caused myself (and others) a great deal of unhappiness. Hard as it is to admit sometimes, the past is over. Going back to it or fretting about it or beating yourself up over it does absolutely nothing. Yes, you can look at your past and learn from it, but you do not need to continue to blame yourself for it or revisit it constantly in your mind. What’s done is done. The sooner you learn from it and move on, the better.

8. Don’t seek happiness outside of yourself in things or people. One of the things I always used to do was seek happiness outside of myself. If I was feeling unhappy or drowning myself in negativity, I would look outside myself for a solution. But, ultimately, no matter what I turned to, the negativity within me remained. It might be tempting to rely on other people for your happiness or turn to habits like shopping, eating, or drinking to quell your negative state of mind, but, believe me, those outside things never do the trick. You must seek happiness and positivity within yourself. It really is the only way to truly live a positive life.

9. Believe you have the ability to change your own life. This can be a hard one for many people. Over and over again they think or say the worst two words I used to be so familiar with and now dread: “I can’t…” The second you let yourself think that way about changing your life, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you don’t believe you can change your life, then it’s going to be pretty hard to actually do it. Believing in yourself sounds so cliché, but there’s a reason that concept has stuck around for so long. Without it, you’ll paralyze yourself and living a positive life will be pretty darn impossible.

10. Refuse to give up, no matter what happens or what people say. A lot of people look down on those trying to better their lives. Perhaps it is jealousy or fear or just plain ignorance, but for whatever reason, people may judge you. When you strive to change your life — even if you do only one thing on this list — there may be people that criticize you or attempt to stand in your way. Don’t let them. Don’t let anyone or anything come between you and living the life you want to be living. Remember that, no matter what, this is YOUR life. If you want to live it positively, do it and don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way.

As much as I’d advise you to do every one of the things on this To Do list, I know from experience how hard even one of these things can be. It takes a lot of hard to work to live a positive life, especially if you’re struggling with negativity. But know this: even if you do one thing on this list, your life will improve. And you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. If you want to live a positive life, do it. There may be obstacles and it may be hard to get from that negative place to a positive one, but, believe me, all of the work will be worth every ounce of effort you put into it because nothing is better than loving the life you’re living.

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Design Your Life

Spring Cleaning Isn’t That Far Away

02/16/2011

I keep looking around my apartment and sighing. My husband doesn’t see it. This place is an absolute wreck and it’s just screaming at me to clean it.

I can’t stand living in a messy home. I can’t work in a messy home. I can’t get inspired in a messy home.

When I look around at what needs to be done.. I get so overwhelmed. I can’t stand to clean much anything at all and organizing seems such an impossible feat.

I let things get a little too cluttered this winter. Looks like it’s time to donate.

To get inspired I’m looking at images of lovely rooms, doesn’t that inspire you?

via Olivia

via Plimplim

via toeiie

via Sweet Summer

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Ask Miseducated Design Your Life

Ask Miseducated: Valentine’s Day Gifting

02/07/2011

Have a question you’re just dying to know the answer to? Want to discuss something extensively in email with us? Please send us an email and we’ll forward it to the appropriate Miseducated writer.

Reader

Last year my wife flipped out when I bought her lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The truth is, I still don’t know why. She just got angry and said “Isn’t it obvious?” and that was it. Any advice on what I get her this year that won’t set her off (and that we both can enjoy), which is what I thought the point of Valentine’s Day was?

Maryanne

Hi Rob, thanks for your question. And it’s a great question, too, because I know a lot of guys would have blown it off and just guessed again this year, and as you’ve probably figured out, that’s not a great solution if your track record with guessing is less than stellar. Unless of course you just enjoy sexual frustration.

So, in terms of a gift… it’s less about “buying the right thing” and more about getting some clarity on what she expects from Valentine’s Day in terms of general atmosphere and activities, and also what you expect. Because it’s likely that her reaction last year was not so much about the gift in particular, but rather was a symptom of something else going on. Now that she’s had a year to feel resentful about whatever it was, it is more important than ever to get clear on what each of your expectations are.

But how does one begin such a difficult conversation? Starting a simple and loving way, telling her that you realise last year was a little rough, and you were hoping to talk about what you could both do together to make this year really special. One of two things will happen: either she’ll give you a straightforward answer and open up a conversation strictly about possibilities for Valentine’s activities this year, or you might get a chance to listen to the real reasons behind why she was upset last year. This is a great foundation from which to talk about what Valentine’s Day means to both of you.

It’s important, however, to make sure the conversation stays on course. You don’t want to start playing the blame game or devolve into finger-pointing; here are some tips to help you engage in an effective, constructive, and mature conversation.

Start by agreeing on what you’re talking about: “I would like to talk about how we can make Valentine’s Day special.”

Don’t ruin things with bad timing: When you say, “I want to talk,” most women will want to talk right now. Keeping that in mind, it’s probably not a great idea to approach the subject when she’s agitated about something, in a hurry, or in the middle of doing something else.

Set up ground rules: Maybe you could agree to each have 3 to 5 minutes to speak uninterrupted, about whatever you would like (this Valentine’s Day, last Valentine’s Day, or whatever you want). Make sure you are careful to focus on your feelings rather than your perceptions of what the other person did wrong. For example, “I felt confused when you got angry” is much more constructive phrasing than “you always get angry for no reason.”

Recap what you heard: It’s important to take turns and repeat what the other person said, so that you are each sure your message is getting through.

Talk honestly about the ideal situation: Take another 3 to 5 minutes each describing what an ideal Valentine’s Day would be like if you could have everything exactly how you wanted it.

Negotiate for each other: It might go like this: she might say, “how about we go see a movie, then we’ll come home and I’ll make you dinner, and maybe I’ll give you a massage?” Then he might say, “why don’t I take you out to dinner before the movie, then afterward we can come home and give each other massages?”

Connecting with and listening to each other is a delicate art. Each of us is subject to changing moods and changing desires, and often we expect the other person to read our mind. When you hear what each other is saying, often you find you’re looking for the same thing: to spend time together and be happy around one another. There may be some compromise involved, but remember that the true meaning of Valentine’s Day is that love is kind, responsible, and above all, respectful.

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Design Your Life

Work Keeps the Light Coming In

02/04/2011

I was watching ’16 and Pregnant’ recently because I can’t seem to get enough young mom drama. It makes me feel like my crazy working and being a mommy life is much less stressful when I see these girls juggling school, work and their families at such a young age.

One of the girls on the show (Kailyn) said something that rang true to me and now every time I start to slack a little I hear her words.. that I just have to keep working because work will keep the light coming in. At such a young age, she understands. When it all seems so overwhelming, so impossible, work will keep the light coming in. Never stop working to meet your goals. Work towards them everyday.

Sometimes I have a tough time being present with all of the things rolling through my mind, as we discussed in Learning to Live in the Moment, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Join me again next week in my mission to live a happy, healthy and inspired life.

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Design Your Life

Nasha Wooley is Inspired by Vintage Fashion

02/03/2011

Meet my fellow blogger Nasha Woolery AKA the button owl. The Fashion Director of Street Savvy magazine, Nasha talks about fashion, her likes and her life. So check it out!

What does fashion mean to you? (in one word)

Fun.

Which store do you shop the most?

Topshop. I’m there so often I may as well live there!

Which decade do you think was fashion in its best form? Why?

The sixties. I just think fashion was fun back then, and it was pretty and modest yet still stylish. Back then, women were truly beautiful and fashion was really at its best.

Which actress/model can describe you the best?

I was asked this the other day and was soooo stuck. I think the actress/model that is most like me, if that’s what you mean, is Rachel McAdams. But only because we’re both sweetly spoken haha.

Who is your favorite designer? Why?

It’s so hard to pick a favorite when there are so many great designers out there. I think I’d have to go with Helen Furber though. You probably haven’t heard of her because I don’t think she’s very big, but she designs the quirkiest, prettiest heels you will ever see!

What made you want to be a writer?

Oh, I have no idea! I’ve wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember, since I was a little tod. In fact, I recently found the first story I ever wrote, I think was about seven when I wrote it. It had something to do with bunnies and curly hair (?). I loved writing and reading from a very young age, and always had my head in a book. I think that love pushed me to go into writing. I originally wanted to be a novelist- and still do. But over the past couple of years I’ve delved more into the journalism side of things.

Who is the one person you want to be from the past?

Audrey Hepburn. She had pretty hair.

Which person, according to you, changed the fashion world? Why?

I’m going to pick a blogger instead of the usual ‘model’ or ‘designer’ and say Tavi Gevinson, simply because she changed the world’s view on fashion bloggers and age within the fashion industry.

Who is your inspiration?

This is going to sound a little weird, but my little sister is my inspiration. She’s odd and funny and will wear geek glasses with rainbow print trousers! I’m not sure why but that inspires me.

Quick favorites

Magazine: ELLE
Chocolate: Snickers
Band: Paramore
Movie: The Time Traveller’s Wife/How to Marry a Millionaire
Actress/Model: Coco Rocha
Perfume: Ghost
Country/City: London
TV Show: Um… Hannah Montana? haha!

Her Blog: The Button Owl (http://thebuttonowl.tumblr.com)
Her Website: Street Savvy (http://www.thestreetsavvy.com)

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Design Your Life

Start Advertising Your Products Online

02/01/2011

Those of you that are interested in promoting yourselves or your creative endeavors online will find everything you need to get started here.

Why is it important to promote your brand online? In the very vast marketplace of today it’s important to brand and differentiate yourself to your competitors and fellow crafters, this will tell you how to get started.

After having visited Everything Etsy I was absolutely flabbergasted about the amount of care and a display of the wonderful and sharing community. The Etsy community itself is a very giving community and as you can see there’s a lot to be learned from the many seasoned sellers that sell there.

It all brings me back around to blogs being the best bang for the advertising dollar.

From Use Advertising To Promote Your Etsy Shop at EverythingEtsy.com.

Do you want to promote your Etsy shop without a marketing budget? No problem.

From A Creative Approach to Promoting Your Shop at Etsy Community.

Your own business: will it be a dream come true — or a nightmare?

From Realities of Running an Indie Biz at MICA.

Also don’t forget to read The Etsy Seller Handbook if you haven’t gotten a chance to yet! If you’re looking for great information as a newcomer or as a seasoned seller it’s great to brush up and see how others are finding success.

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Design Your Life

Sex and the Nature of the Beast

01/28/2011

World Sex Report 1971

Some people just can’t help it – sex, no matter how casual, means something to them, and they feel some attachment. Others seem to be able to do it, put their clothes back on, and walk away without so much as a second thought. Often, those who tend toward a large variety of sexual partners use the excuse that it’s not natural for humans to practice monogamy, and that because we are, at our base, animals, it’s perfectly acceptable to behave like animals.

What’s interesting is that what goes on in the brain of any human does not vary according to how they feel about monogamy and sex. Either way, the process begins in the brain stem, which is responsible for our lowest nature, but it then continues on up through the mammalian brain, where it encounters a bridge between thoughts and actions, and finally it ends up in the neocortex, which is where the thoughts get processed into decisions, according to desires, beliefs, or influence from our conscience.

So that means that as much as some people try to tell themselves that their behavior is not their fault, that’s complete nonsense. The thing that separates humans from animals is this more complex cognitive process, which gives us the ability to override our base nature any time we choose to. If this weren’t the case, you wouldn’t be reading this right now at all – you’d be grunting and trying to decide whether the computer is something you could eat or something you could hump.

Nonetheless, a staggering amount of us try to pull the “it’s the nature of the beast” card when excusing the hurtful and careless behavior of others or ourselves. How many times have you heard women (or even the men themselves) justify promiscuity by saying, only half-joking, “it’s not his fault, his penis has a mind of its own”? This sort of cop-out has nothing to do with a penis (or indeed a vagina) actually leading anyone around, but rather it is the way our egos rationalize the things we probably shouldn’t be proud of. All our egos want is more and more pleasure more and more of the time, and the easiest way to get around the hurt this can cause others is to blame nature instead of taking responsibility.

If you’re skeptical that we actually have the power to choose a higher nature rather than just reacting to a lower one, think about the way we eat versus the way a “natural” human would eat. When was the last time you saw a guy in a suit chasing squirrels in the park, catching one and biting off the head for lunch? Not too recently? Because we have accepted that we can choose the higher path of buying food at the grocery store, no one feels like they “must” give in to the natural tendency to hunt.

The same goes with many aspects of our sexual practice. Most of us understand that we cannot just mount people randomly in the street whenever we feel like it – we must gain consent, find a suitable place, and so forth. So clearly we can accept the higher consciousness option when we feel like it, and yet when it comes to some abhorrent behavior we want to justify, we try to get out of the guilt by saying we can’t help it, it’s just who we are.

So maybe it’s time that we all look inward and inquire about the true meaning of claiming that something is in our nature, because when we don’t examine that concept and simply act as if it were fact, the results can be truly devastating. It is an insult to our intelligence to cop out and say that we couldn’t be expected to behave any better, but choosing to change that attitude is a fantastic way to create greater understanding and respect between people. At the very least, you can enjoy the freedom that comes with being completely honest about your thoughts on sex and monogamy!

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Design Your Life

Five Simple Ways to Love Yourself Now

01/25/2011

Hard as it can be to realize sometimes, no matter what you think, you are good enough. With the onslaught of picture perfect images in the media and culturally defined ideas of what we “should” look like, sometimes it’s so hard to just do one of the most basic things — love ourselves. To me, loving yourself is the very first step to living a positive and present life. If you can’t love yourself, you’re going to have a hard time truly loving the world around you and enjoying the life you’re living. However, loving yourself is no easy task sometimes. It actually takes a lot of hard work, which is why I’ve come up with the top five ways you can start loving yourself right now.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.

The entire world encourages us to compare, to want what others have, to want to be like others. In the post I wrote back in 2009, Stop Judging: 4 Reasons, 5 Things, 6 Ways, I talked about how much we lose when we waste time judging others and ourselves. If you truly want to love yourself, you must stop your comparisons. Focus on you and what’s great about who you are, what you have, and what you do. Don’t waste any more time comparing yourself to those around you. This is the first — and most important — step to loving yourself now.

2. Focus on your achievements — big and small.

To often, we focus on the things that went wrong (or could go wrong) and not on the things we did right. We’ll dwell forever on a conversation that went poorly, but hardly think at all about a wonderful interaction with had with someone. Likewise, people are often more likely to focus on their failures than their achievements (probably as some sort of self-protection in order to avoid future failures). It’s okay to acknowledge the things that didn’t go swimmingly, but if you really want to love yourself, you have to spend most of your time thinking about what you did/said right. And, remember, even the little things deserve a pat on the back.

3. Look past the mirror to your true self.

It’s all too common for people to define themselves by the way they look. Remember: you are more than what you look like. Yes, it cannot be denied that appearance is important and has some merit, but it is not everything. The way culture is set up, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Next time you look in the mirror and find yourself filled with negative thoughts, remind yourself that you are more than what you see in that reflection. Your worth is more than the way you look. Once you convince yourself of the truth in those words, it will become much easier to love your true self.

4. View yourself from another perspective.

We all have the tendency from time to time to get wrapped up in our own minds. Our thoughts and ideas take over and we tend to forget that there are millions and millions of other opinions and ideas out there in the world. The next time you find that you’re giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and try to look at the situation — and yourself — objectively. You may soon realize that the way you were looking at yourself or the situation is not the way that others would. Taking a step back and looking at yourself with fresh eyes will help you to realize that you are worth more than you realize — and you are certainly deserving of your own love.

5. Make a list of all your awesome traits.

Feeling like you’re not quite up to par? Stop. Drop what you’re doing. Grab paper and a pen. And get to work. The activity might seem like a silly one, but, seriously, taking some time to write about how great you are will help you to realize that, no matter how you might feel about yourself sometimes, you really are pretty awesome. And if you find yourself struggling with this exercise, enlist the help of friends and family. Hearing their input about your awesomeness will make you realize that, hey, if all of those people can love you, you can certainly love yourself!

As I said, loving yourself isn’t easy. It seems like the kind of thing that should come naturally, but I think most people are filled with reasonable amount of self-doubt and, as a result, their minds fill with self-deprecating thoughts from time to time. It’s okay to struggle with self-love, but it’s not okay not to give it a really solid try. You deserve to love yourself because, no matter who you are, you are awesome. So start embracing your awesomeness and use the five tips above to start loving yourself now. There’s no time like the present to learn to love yourself!

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